Some triggers

I've been sittin, playin Zuma, a game that is really awesome in case you aren't aware. And I've been thinkin....which just might be kinda dangerous.

I been thinkin bout how we as a system, and I, answer one simple question. That is, IF we answer it at all. It doesn't matter who asks the question; it makes us freeze and complete nonsense comes out of the mouth....or the fingers, as the case may be. I don't mean we can't be understood, the answer is perfectly intelligible...it's just usually crap. A couple days ago Raine was online for a minute or two and she asked "how ya doin?" What I said was "eh...you?" That's as close as I could come to what I really wanted to say. I wanted to say "I'm a wreck. I'm tryin really hard not to cut. I can't see my hands the way they really are. I really want to talk to someone and no one has been around and now I'm totally glad you are online because I'm going to burst if I don't say somethin to someone". None of that came out. And in fact, the conversation ended completely right after that. So there I was alone with all that again, wonderin why the heck I couldn't just say I need help, I'm not okay.

We do this with everyone...all of us in some way or another. Some avoid or evade, most notably A...she's really good at it. "Hey A, how ya doin?" A says "our kitty does weird things sometimes". And no matter how many times or differnt ways you ask, she's goin to talk about what she wants to talk about, or she leaves. J (the small one) shrugs and says she doesn't know. It's actually possible that she doesn't, but she could come up with a better answer. J (the male one) is always "fine", and I'm always "alright". Even when it's T askin...same result. I walk in there havin all these things I want to say and what comes out is "I'm alright". I want to say some of the things I didn't say to Raine, up above. I want to say that I think bout dyin way more then I think bout livin, that sometimes the only reason I don't do anythin bout that is cause others inside haven't agreed to it and I can't make that choice for a 4-year-old (for example). But I don't say these things, I say I'm alright...and then I act like I'm alright.

I don't know why this happens, I really wish I did.

L

This was fun!!

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The service will be on August 1st...giving people who need to travel time to get here. Yes, that does include the mother...she's coming. Blah. She's staying 3 days. At least its a short time.

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Today we are seeing T...with D. Apparently she wants to ask T some questions. Having an extra sesson for that. Makes me nervous...not sure why, but it does.

S

Our Grandmother passed away last night.

We are sad.

That's all I have to say.

Bad Weekend

So this past weekend sucked...really bad. D's sister called Friday afternoon and asked D to go to a town a few hours north-east of us to help her teach a class. D's sister is known for last minute stuff...and this was truly last minute...she planned on leaving at 430 am Saturday morning. D initially said no...I heard her on the phone say no. After she hung-up I asked what was up. D told me and said something about her sis being "Ms. Last-minute, no one has a life but her"...but I could hear in her voice that she felt guilty for saying no. So...long-story short...sis had to go, it's part of her job and had been scheduled for a couple months already...but she was afraid because she would be driving right into the middle of a circle of serious fires that are blazing right now. She has asthma and panic disorder, and was already feeling the panic coming. Sooo...D and I talked and I said to go, we will be fine, D will feel better (she would worry at home), and sis doesn't have anyone else local she could ask...or that would be willing. So D went. They left at about 445 am and we were alone.

Suddenly, not so sure we would be fine. We figured, well we can chat online with someone, go for a walk, do some house work, maybe have dinner with L (downstairs), do some reading (the library has become a favorite place). Sooo...we log online and there is no one on...all day there was no one. S-girl probably busy with summer research work for grad program, no sign of raine, no sign of psychperson, no sign of our sis-in-law. Other than those people, our messenger list have pretty much become non-existent...people have disappeared that we used to talk to...probably because our school schedule was pretty inflexible and they gave up on us. L didn't come home...not until late Saturday night...too late to even go chat a few minutes. We read two...yes I did say TWO...novels Saturday. Unfortunately, both of them ended up being triggering. One slightly, the other majorly...I'll talk about that elsewhere. We did get some house work done...the kind of stuff that can't be done during school...we cleaned out the closet in our bedroom! Major accomplishment...there were things in there we didn't even remember having...was like going shopping in our own closet. Probably everyone can relate to that but someone with DID may relate strongly! :P No going for a walk...too triggered...there was no way we were going out of the house.

By Saturday afternoon the loneliness was terrible and there was no way to alleviate it that we could see. No one to chat with, no one to call. Well...I suppose we could have called T but then what? Hey, we are calling because we are lonely? I don't think so! Majorly triggered happened too late to call...we have only called an on-call T once and that was during hours.

Anyway...we don't do well alone. That's pretty clear...at least to me it is.

W

Important

Huge news on the Medicare mental health reimbursement front...

Medicare news

Vacation

We have returned from our vacation...taken a little while to post though! We arrived home on Wednesday, 7/2, in the afternoon...got online just long enough to send an im to Raine to let her know we got home...that's all we did.

Well...about the vacation...we had a GREAT time!! So much fun. We took D to the train to head south to her mom's house on Friday, 7/27...then got gas and ice and headed back to Raine's where we packed up the car then headed out. It was smoky as hell! At about the half-way mark we stopped to let Charlie (puppy) walk around, to hopefully prevent carsickness (he didn't get sick). I tried to call diana during that time but there is no signal there...bummer. A little past that I got a voicemail but couldn't check it because the signal wasn't good enough. So we get to the town about 10 miles from our destination and stop again for Charlie. At this point I have a good signal and pick-up my voicemail...it's S-girl wondering where we are! So I call her and tell her our location and she's excited...I think...she sounded excited anyways. We arrive about 30 minutes later, do the "omg it's good to see you" thing...then set up our tent, shove our stuff in it, pull out the cooler and other food, then head down to the lake. We spent the afternoon at the lake. The exact spot in the picture from the previous post. J decided to go out on the tube )towed by the boat) with S-girl...first time ever...and we don't swim...at least not well! Don't worry...life vest is required. No one fell off!! Amazing because the next day when S-girl went she/they flew off 3 times...and I do mean FLEW off!

Let's see...what else did we do...

We had some great foil/hobo dinners. The first night, terriaki glazed cheicken breats and pineapple, the second night, hickory marinated chicken breasts and butternut squash. Foil/hobo dinners are where you wrap your meat and veggies in foil and then they are cooked in the fire...literally...the wrapped foils are put in the coals and cook there. The third night everyone had arrived from H's family...we did the big family dinner. It's burritos...everyone brings an ingredient to share...we brought salsa and chips.

We spent every day at the lake...got very tan...VERY! Even with sunscreen. We did a lot of walking, alot of playing in the water, a lot of being out on the boat. One try at tubing alone. There were a lot of wakes from other boats and we got a huge wake in the face which scared little J and we stopped. The last day, in the morning, we went down to the lake and went all the way around the lake on the tube with one of H's sisters...it was great. We didn't go nearly as fast as when we went with S-girl, but that was perfectly fine with us. Our plan is to learn to swim before next year so we won't be so scared so easily. We are fully aware that the life vest will keep us from sinking, but there is still too much anxiety for it to be fun...at least out there alone. With S-girl it was fun...it was fun with E also, and she kept talking the whole time which really eased the anxiety. We also spent a lot of time not sleeping very well...but that was because the ground was too hard...next year, blow up mattresses!

So we had a blast! Next year D is coming too.

Warrier