Today was my first day of school. Interesting day. I like my prof for social psych. She's nice and seems excited about the topic...this is *almost* always a good thing in a prof! We had a "class activity"...one of those things that s designed to make you talk to everyone. It was supposed to go for about 20 minutes and then we were done for the day. Walking around talking to everyone and trying to find people that had written the same things on their index card as you did...bleck! Well...it was noisy...and no one heard the fire alarm going off! HAHAHAHA a fire drill on the first day of school! So we hand the prof our cards on the way out the door and then, very slowly, file down the stairs...from the third floor...with everyone else ahead of us and two floors below trying to get out the same doors.

So...the first day was pretty good. Only one class. Tomorrow I have two classes...then Friday I have the 4th.

S

School Starting Soon!

I haven't written in a while...haven't had much to say I guess. Really, haven't been around much...lots of "lost time". My summer is over! Wasn't it just May a couple days ago? Looking back on my blogs, it seems that there has been quite a bit going on. Might be for the best that I don't have knowledge of most of it.

School starts in five days. Amazing. Seems that someone or someones have been getting ready for that. Yesterday I got my books...but that is all I've done. However, my desk is clean...not a small job! Someone went and got the messenger/laptop bag I wanted. Someone got paper, ink cartridges for the printer, pens, and a note pad with the wires at the top instead of on the side...the kind I prefer...and it's pink. Someone also got a few new clothes. Nothing wild, but cute. Seems like a lot of consideration was put into the clothes too. Someone thought about the weather, what we all like, and colors. There's a new jacket...very lightweight spring/summer jacket. Material is like a cotton/linen blend. The sleeves roll up and have a snap to keep them up, the hood is detachable, and it's kind of a pinkish-salmon color. There's a new zip-up hoodie from the disney store. It's pastel pink, with (s)Tinkerbell on it. There are four new shirts, two short sleeve t-shirts, one is white with a design on it and the other is deep pink (raspberry?) with a design. Then two 3/4 sleeve shirts...one is solid teal (almost green) and the other is a deep pink thermal shirt, wth a design. There's one new pair of jeans and one pair of shorts. The shorts are longer, almost to the knees...that's good because I really HATE having the backs of my legs stick to a chair when I'm sitting in lecture. :P And there is one pair of shoes...one! Now you all know *I* did NOT do the shopping! They are pink and black Vans with a geisha girl silohuette on them...pretty nice. Anyways...someone put a lot of thought into the school clothes shopping...pretty much everything is something anyone of us would wear without complaining too much except maybe J...and the shoes ARE Vans...so he should be ok with that.

Oddly, I am not too nervous about school starting. It's a strange feeling. I'm kind of excited, and definitely looking forward to it. In the past, at the beginning of a semester, I would be a bundle of nerves. So full of anxiety that I could hardly do anything...the smallest thing would set off a panic attack. "Do I know what room my class is in? OMG!! I've only checked 6 times...I can't breath!" That's not happening this time. I don't know why, but I'm really glad it's not. Even with the number of units/credits I have, I'm not nervous. I'm registered for 15 units. One hard class, one class I'm not particularly interested in but is a requirment, and two classes in my major...Sociology. I've never taken so many units...the most I've taken was 14...last semester. Ok...that's really close to 15! I guess one more unit isn't that big of a deal.

S

Some triggers

I've been sittin, playin Zuma, a game that is really awesome in case you aren't aware. And I've been thinkin....which just might be kinda dangerous.

I been thinkin bout how we as a system, and I, answer one simple question. That is, IF we answer it at all. It doesn't matter who asks the question; it makes us freeze and complete nonsense comes out of the mouth....or the fingers, as the case may be. I don't mean we can't be understood, the answer is perfectly intelligible...it's just usually crap. A couple days ago Raine was online for a minute or two and she asked "how ya doin?" What I said was "eh...you?" That's as close as I could come to what I really wanted to say. I wanted to say "I'm a wreck. I'm tryin really hard not to cut. I can't see my hands the way they really are. I really want to talk to someone and no one has been around and now I'm totally glad you are online because I'm going to burst if I don't say somethin to someone". None of that came out. And in fact, the conversation ended completely right after that. So there I was alone with all that again, wonderin why the heck I couldn't just say I need help, I'm not okay.

We do this with everyone...all of us in some way or another. Some avoid or evade, most notably A...she's really good at it. "Hey A, how ya doin?" A says "our kitty does weird things sometimes". And no matter how many times or differnt ways you ask, she's goin to talk about what she wants to talk about, or she leaves. J (the small one) shrugs and says she doesn't know. It's actually possible that she doesn't, but she could come up with a better answer. J (the male one) is always "fine", and I'm always "alright". Even when it's T askin...same result. I walk in there havin all these things I want to say and what comes out is "I'm alright". I want to say some of the things I didn't say to Raine, up above. I want to say that I think bout dyin way more then I think bout livin, that sometimes the only reason I don't do anythin bout that is cause others inside haven't agreed to it and I can't make that choice for a 4-year-old (for example). But I don't say these things, I say I'm alright...and then I act like I'm alright.

I don't know why this happens, I really wish I did.

L

This was fun!!

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