I've been sittin, playin Zuma, a game that is really awesome in case you aren't aware. And I've been thinkin....which just might be kinda dangerous.
I been thinkin bout how we as a system, and I, answer one simple question. That is, IF we answer it at all. It doesn't matter who asks the question; it makes us freeze and complete nonsense comes out of the mouth....or the fingers, as the case may be. I don't mean we can't be understood, the answer is perfectly intelligible...it's just usually crap. A couple days ago Raine was online for a minute or two and she asked "how ya doin?" What I said was "eh...you?" That's as close as I could come to what I really wanted to say. I wanted to say "I'm a wreck. I'm tryin really hard not to cut. I can't see my hands the way they really are. I really want to talk to someone and no one has been around and now I'm totally glad you are online because I'm going to burst if I don't say somethin to someone". None of that came out. And in fact, the conversation ended completely right after that. So there I was alone with all that again, wonderin why the heck I couldn't just say I need help, I'm not okay.
We do this with everyone...all of us in some way or another. Some avoid or evade, most notably A...she's really good at it. "Hey A, how ya doin?" A says "our kitty does weird things sometimes". And no matter how many times or differnt ways you ask, she's goin to talk about what she wants to talk about, or she leaves. J (the small one) shrugs and says she doesn't know. It's actually possible that she doesn't, but she could come up with a better answer. J (the male one) is always "fine", and I'm always "alright". Even when it's T askin...same result. I walk in there havin all these things I want to say and what comes out is "I'm alright". I want to say some of the things I didn't say to Raine, up above. I want to say that I think bout dyin way more then I think bout livin, that sometimes the only reason I don't do anythin bout that is cause others inside haven't agreed to it and I can't make that choice for a 4-year-old (for example). But I don't say these things, I say I'm alright...and then I act like I'm alright.
I don't know why this happens, I really wish I did.
L
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Some triggers
Posted by Battle Weary at 9:32 PM
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8 comments:
((((((L)))))))things wont always be so bad. The way you feel right now wont last forever. Seems like I'm sure but it wont. Hold on to that.
Maybe you all do this because you were taught to never say how things really are/were. Old habits can be very hard to change, but keep trying to be honest about what's really going on, ok?
Donna
Hmm... maybe if you printed this out, and other writings where you CAN get it out, and stuck them on the fridge, or in locked diary you give to T, or just something!!! I hear your frustration and I feel for you.
Zuma rocks... I have it too. =)
I have been having a tough time lately finding words. My therapist tells me that is an indication of where I am at emotionally...preverbal. I end up acting out my feelings instead of verbalizing.
I love computer games and get "addicted" to them. I have Zuma and became addicted to it, but I can't seem to reach the higher levels. My husband even purchased a gaming mouse which is faster and more accurate...how sweet.
Take care of yourself. Keep pushing through and you will get better.
(((hugs)))
I've been playing Zuma too!
I'm very shy by nature and while I've learned a certain level of social skills, I've had more than one occasion where I was put "on the spot" and actually asked to express what I REALLY think. I become tongue tied, unable to make eye contact, my voice shakes and what comes out of my mouth is complete nonsense. So this makes sense to me!
I think about dying a lot more than about living too. :-(
It's a tough place to be.
dear l,
I often have no words or empty words also. For me i think it is a fear that if i ask for help people will be too busy and i get sfraid that they will say they are and that will hurt me even more. So saying nothing is better than being rejected. But in my heart i hope they will notice and then i dont fee like im burdening anyone.
I hope you can find a way to talk one day.
from A
there are a lot of parts in my system whose job it was (is) to make sure either that everything seemed "normal" and "ok," or else to make sure that we didn't trust anyone or allow ourselves to be vulnerable. so it makes sense to me that someone would have a hard time talking honestly about feelings, because it's something i struggle with.
but then, i *also* have parts who have made it their quest to make sure collective-i can no longer pretend that things are ok. so what usually comes out is something noncommittal, but the people closest to me have learned some of my code phrases, so they know when to push a little more.
and zuma--i like that game! lately, i've been doing more of the games that don't have any time pressure, but zuma is a fun game. and the littles keep saying "i like when it says ZUMA in the game!!" so i'll add that too.
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