Major Irritation/frustration

Here's the latest update on the nursing grad school front....

Apparently nursing schools (and existing nurses) don't think anyone with any kind of psych issue currently or in the past should be allowed to become a nurse. Since I had a crappy childhood filled with emotional, psychological, and physical abuse, I am not capable of caring for people in a medical setting of any kind. It does not matter that I have spent years improving my own mental health and dealing with this past. It does not matter that I am a nearly straight A student now. It does not matter that I have completed all the pre-reqs and even taught some of them now. All that matters is that I *may* be unstable because more than 20 years ago my parents beat me! What a bunch of BS.

Also...I better not show up in anyone's ER with an anxiety issue either, because apparently that makes me the equivalent of an "obese drug seeker with fibromyalgia"...the other three biggest ER irritations. *sigh* Someone remind me why I want to work in the medical field?

About smoking...

Go check out this post by Raine, and add your 2 1/2 cents!

2010: Year in Review

This past year was rather interesting when I looked back through posts.

January began with a new addition to our family...Bags, an adult female kitty. She has turned out to be a very sweet kitty with a bit of grumpiness. She doesn't like the two boys, AT ALL. She growls and grumbles if they get too close to her...too close means she can see them! This grumbling will continue all day ...it's kind of funny really. Of course the boys get excited and want to play (chase) her when she growls, so it ends up being a self-replicating cycle. Other than that issue, Bags has settled in.

Also in January I began the second-to-last semester of undergrad. I believed it would be an easy semester and I was mostly right. Being a TA for an intensive science class with a lab was not easy! By March I was exhausted from all the work involved...not physically challenging work in any way...mentally challenging. The biggest challenge was dealing with a group of students that were younger on average than usual for the class. The reason for this is that due to the budget crisis in CA, the class was not going to be offered. When an increase in funding was given to CA public Universities, the class was immediately added to the schedule as it is a pre-req class for many health occupation programs. Unfortunately registration had already begun and juniors and seniors had both already completed both passes at registration...leaving only freshmen and sophomores able to register for the class...in fact...mostly freshman managed to get the class. So the class went from normal/average age of early to mid 20's down to 18. There is a huge difference no matter how many people (usual themselves 18) think otherwise! I spent much of my teaching time listening to whining and complaining, explaining why I would not give answers to lab exercise questions, and repeating at least 3 times a day that flip-flops were not allowed in the lab. Frustrating and tiring.

Prior to the start of the semester, I received a Happy Birthday wish on my facebook page. The wish came from a second cousin that I had seen a couple times (twice, literally) between the ages of 3 1/2 to 41. I had also believed, due to my mother's (intentional?) vagueness, that from an infant to 3 1/2 I had spent "some" time with her because my Great Aunt (her mother) took care of me " a little". The birthday wish sent a ripple of unnamed and unrecognized but painful feelings through me and the system...a bit odd considering I barely knew this person. The birthday wish also started an email dialogue between her and myself, and then between her eldest brother and myself. Turns out that taking care of me "a little' was actually I lived with them (and my mother) the first 4 months of my life, my mother moved out with me when I was 4 months, then at 6 months she dropped me off for a weekend visit that lasted 3 years, with no contact from her. One day when I was 3 1/2 she called up and said she would be there to pick me up in an hour, and then I didn't see them again aside from one visit when I was about 10 (for a couple hours, only the great Aunt and female cousin were there), and at the great Aunt's funeral when I was 27. Suddenly things began to fall in place and make sense. I spent my childhood waiting for my "real family" to come get me because there actually was another family that I spent my most important formative years with. I always felt like there were siblings missing from my life because I had 3 older "brothers" and an older "sister"...I wasn't wishing to have them...I DID have them, and I was taken from them. The reason I completely fell apart at my Great Aunt's funeral even though I hardly even knew her, was because she was "mommy". This was the person I had bonded with in early childhood, and this was the person that kept me safe during those important years. It's interesting to me that alter ages correspond with these events. We have an infant (around 6 months, possibly younger) and then there is a gap of no additional alters until about 3 1/2. At 3 1/2 - 4 there are MANY alters, but another important event within the system happened around that time also; the "original" went to sleep...she woke up this past year. Since January I have been developing a relationship with these lost siblings. It has been painful, and wonderful. In August we had a family reunion where I was reunited in person with all 4 of them, their spouses, and their children. I have 8 nieces and nephews ranging from 12-34 years old. One of my nieces is expecting her first child ( a girl) around Valentines day.

My partner informed me last spring that I should go ahead and apply wherever I wanted, she would move with me for grad school. This hugely opened up possibilities and widened my search for programs. After August, I began preparing applications for graduate school in nursing. I submitted three apps between October and December, with several more to submit through the coming spring. I am applying mostly on the East Coast, with one "Southern" school (Vandy in Tenn). The application process is grueling. I almost wish I was applying to some other type of program because I hear from people who have applied to others that they write one personal statement, and basically just change it a tiny bit for each app. My apps all require different essays! There are specif, different questions that each school wants answered. Very frustrating. Also...exactly how do I make myself stand out in 200 words!?! BLAH.

In September I decided to clean-up this blog, and at the same time, an issue regarding a 3d friend. The friend suddenly stopped answering emails, deleted her blog, canceled her cell phone, and stopped visiting our blog as well as others she regularly frequented. This was someone very important to the system as a whole, and individually. The really bad thing is that she had done this type of thing before...to make a long story short, I decided that this was her third strike...she's out. I can't have someone in my life that can do the kind of damage she did...especially when it is repeatedly done! Each time she did this, after a while, she would come back. We would work whatever the issue was out, and promises were made...only to be broken again. Note to anyone reading who does not get this...DO NOT promise someone that believes everyone will eventually leave that you will not, then leave! This is very, very bad! :P So anyway...its been well over a year and I do not think she will try to come back, but if by some weird chance she does, that bridge has burned...in fact, not even a charred skeleton remains.

The end of the year proved very stressful with school stuff being the primary cause of stress. My senior thesis being the biggest one of the school "issues" I had to deal with. I had several stress related physical issues...head aches, back pain, an almost panic attack (accomplishment...it was "almost") related to back pain, but I managed. I got everything in on time, I did two major presentations, I completed my research and then my paper, I made it to all my finals. I got 3 A's, and a B+. So now I have completed my BA, and I await grad school decisions.

I guess that is it for now!

Sera

Though it is not yet official, I am done with my B.A. I wait for grades to post, then it will be official. I am a little bit in shock I think. It wasn't all that long ago that I couldn't get myself to actually attend class and would just stop going...sometimes remembering to drop and sometimes not. It's been even less time since I managed to attend and even finish some of the work and get mediocre grades, and less still since things clicked and I went, did the work, and got good grades. Now I am done with my B.A. and working on getting into grad school. I once thought it would be all I could do to get a certificate in something. Huge difference.

Sera

Another original title :P

I thought I would make an update...or make excuses for not updating...something along those lines.

School is crazy hard right now. I have so little time to be online doing anything "fun", it's just not funny. The scary/sad part is that I think this is only a preview of things to come! I have gotten one grad school application in, am working on three more. When I get into grad school, it will be into an accelerated program for the first year, and then "regular" grad school pace for two-three years after that. I'm afraid my updates my turn out to be instead of every few months, every few years!

Right now I am taking two upper division classes, one lower division class, TA for Microbiology, and doing these grad applications. It sounds like a lot, but it doesn't sound like as much as it actually is. The lower division class is Art History-Renaissance to present with Asian art also. I absolutely love the class, I am learning so much cool stuff, and it really fits with Sociology (my major). Instead of simply learning who did what when (art appreciation) we are learning who did what when, why, and what cultural factors contributed, and why. Nice. But it's hard to keep up on the homework...very hard. We have homework due every Friday online, by 11:59 pm. The problem is that Friday is the only day I have to schedule anything at all that isn't related to school, and it's also the only day to fit that homework in since it's online! I thought of doing the assignments on the weekend, ahead of when they are due, but that doesn't work because I need the class lectures we haven't had yet in order to complete them. *sigh*

Here is how my week goes...Monday get to campus at 730 and meet with Sociology major friend for 15 minutes then go open the Microbiology lab for students from 8-930, go to art hist from10-12, eat ( a must), go to my own upper division Biology lab from 1-345, Bio lecture from 4-515, go home. Tuesday TA in actual Micro lab class from 925-12, run (literally) downstairs for my Bio colloquium lecture series from 12-1, this used to be the end of my day but starting next Tuesday I will then have T at 3. Wednesday is a repeat of Monday except from 1-330 I run Micro lab for students instead of attend my own lab. Thursday is nightmare day! TA Micro from 925-1215, appointment on campus 1-2, used to have T from 3-4 but changing to Tuesday, pick-up partner from work and take her home at 5, rush back to campus for Senior Seminar 6-950 (yes, pm). Keep in mind, my campus is in one town, my home, T, and partner's work are in another! Meanwhile I am doing my senior thesis. It's a Sociological study using my own topic and research, meaning I have to find time to do my research, write up notes, code, and begin figuring out what it all means. So yeah...I am overwhelmed.

I am finding little time to get to others' blogs, let alone do anything with mine. However, I do read all those on my list, usually very early in the morning while procrastinating. Just wanted to let you all know...I do read, though I rarely comment. I am still around, just not in the way I used to be. (aspects of that could be another post completely! Maybe in a few days I can fit that in).

Sera

A Little Clean-up...Literally and Figuratively

I deleted a handful of blogs. Some of them are people who haven't posted in over a year, one deleted her blog but I still had a link, one went private and I didn't get an invitation, one has a weird issue where I get an "attack site" warning...a couple others, I just don't read anymore and they don't visit here. So off they all went. That's the literal clean-up.

Figurative clean-up....I've posted before about a dear friend that just up and disappeared. Deleted blog, stopped answering emails, stopped visiting here, and stopped visiting others she used to also be friends with. Honestly, I wondered if she had an accident or had been hospitalized. Not knowing was pretty hard. I suppose I should have had a little warning; she DID delete her blog, though that happened at the same time as everything else. She also stopped her cell phone service...or at least, that is what she said when I asked if she got my text a couple weeks before her disappearance. I now think she may have changed numbers, not completely canceled service.

It's been right around a year since I've heard anything from her. While I still wondered what happened, and feared the worst, I had pretty much let it go. I wasn't angry, I wasn't terribly hurt (maybe numb? That's a T topic. ), and I actually would go several weeks without wondering about her.

A couple weeks ago Raine found her name, bio, and picture on a website by doing a google search. This is something I have done as well, looking for any kind of news (accident?), as recently as July, and I didn't get any hits, so it's a fairly new thing. So...there she is...apparently well, working in her chosen field. She seems to have decided to delete a major portion of her life...some of us were actual, "real-life" friends, others were "blog friends", but no less real.

It's sad really...sad for her. I'm not sad, and I'm not surprised...there was a history of this type of thing with us, it usually only lasted a couple months, and it was never everyone...just us in this body...but there was a history. The people she deleted may all be very busy, and living their own lives, but we are here. I can't speak for everyone, but I bet Raine and K would have understood minimal contact due to business...they do with me, and I with them. I also bet that J and L would understand it, too. I wonder of someday she will realize what a terrible mistake she made.

So...yeah...I'm not sad. I might be angry though.

S

Another post...finally

This is the view of Cannon Beach, Oregon, from the balcony of a third floor room. This is looking north, the one below is looking southwest.



Some of you might find the beach familiar...especially the part with the big rock (Haystack Rock). The movie "The Goonies" was filmed in Cannon Beach and Astoria, Oregon. The last scene of the movie shows this rock with a giant pirate ship sailing out from it. The picture above was actually taken at low tide...if you look at the sand, there is a stripe of darker colored sand...that is the water line for high tide. We spent four days in Cannon Beach, and two and a half days in Astoria.

D's nephew and his partner live in Astoria, in a house they bought about five years ago, that they are working on remodeling/restoring. The house is really cool. It is tall and narrow (most houses there are...makes it easier to get a view of the Columbia river from your house). What is really cool about the place is that it was split into two apartments at some point. So the upstairs has a full kitchen, and the first floor has a full kitchen. The guys are talking about turning the upstairs kitchen into a "media room", because it is a rather dark room, and you would not have to go through it to get to any other room in the house.

Astoria was really cool. We spent a lot of time walking around the downtown area and the river walk on the first day...in the rain! On the second day, the nephew and his partner took us over the bridge to Washington (directly across the river). We drove past "Dismal Nitch" and went to "Cape Disappointment"...yes, those are the real names of these places!

So...after two and a half days we headed off to Cannon Beach. This was the location of the family reunion...for the part of the family that I lived with as an infant and toddler, but was removed from. It was incredible! Within ten minutes of arriving, I felt like an integral part of the family...a part that had always been there, and belonged. What was really interesting to me is that the only times that felt strange were times when I asked a question or someone asked a question of me, that people who grew up together would not need to ask. These times felt foreign to me, not the spending time together otherwise. I recall as a child, and later as well, wishing for a big sister that I could confide in and spend time with...I recall wishing for a big brother to protect me. What is most amazing to me is that I have a big sister, and I have THREE big brothers...and they fell right into those rolls that I had wished for. Obviously I don't really need a big brother-protector now, but I have three anyway...while they didn't do any "actual protecting", the feeling was definitely there. As for the sister...we've been talking and confiding by email for months prior to the reunion, it's been wonderful. There are tentative plans for another reunion in two years, at which time I will have a great niece or nephew in addition to the eight nieces and nephews I met at this reunion (one announced she is expecting). There are also plans for me to go stay with the sister when I (hopefully) go to the east coast for grad school interviews. If I don't get any interviews, or if the schools decide on phone interviews, then D thinks I should go stay with her for a few days anyway. So it looks like I may visit in January of next year.

The last semester of my undergrad started three days ago. I have a pretty tough schedule, but I think it is going to be good. I am taking Art History (lower division GE that I somehow missed early on), Upper division Plant Biology, Senior Seminar (capstone Sociology research project), Biology Colloquium (weekly lectures by bio professionals), and I am TA for microbiology again. That's 16 units. In addition to this, I may be taking an online "Lifespan Psych" course, because it is a pre-req for several programs I am looking at, but is not offered anywhere near me. My graduation date is December 2010, and I will walk May 2010 (cumme Laude if I do as well this semester as I have in past semesters). I am feeling really ready to be done and moving on with my education and life....grad school here I come!

S