This is the medical center where I am.  Included in the medical center is the school of nursing, school of medicine, and school of dentistry...as well as every kind of inpatient unit you can think of, a burn trauma center, a cancer center, the eye institute, children's hospital, and outpatient services ranging from psych to basic primary care preventative services. Thousands of employees, auxiliary people, patients, students...yet I feel like the next picture....

 

Lonely. Detached. Homesick.

I have D and the kitties here with me, but that is all.  I have facebook, but its pretty impossible for my friends to just pick up and come over to hang out when I post on facebook.  I've made good connections with people (faculty) in the school of nursing, and possibly a couple in the hospital.  I have many people in my class that I can count on for anything school/nursing related.  I have a couple people in my class that I can count on for non-school/nursing related things.  I've made one good friend. It is the last part that is the hardest for me. I don't have any easy time making friends, but I need them.  I have two really good friends where I used to live.  I have Raine. I know these people are still there, but that is kind of the point...they are THERE...not HERE. I can't call up one of them and say "come over tonight"...its not possible for them to do so.  Even with Raine this was possible, though improbable.  Being only 3 hours away by train made it possible.  

I am missing some old professors too.  I had gotten to a point with some of them where if I was having a hard time I could stop by their offices and "hang out" for a bit.  I miss doing that.  I don't feel like I can do that now because one of the things that is required in nursing school (and for licensing) is being "of sound mind".  While some professors seem to indicate that they feel this is ridiculous and that being overwhelmed or stressed also does not indicate not being able to be a nurse, it is still a risk I don't want to take.

I miss my therapist. I miss having that 50 minutes once a week where I can go and talk about whatever.  Right now I would like to talk about how I am struggling to write a 1 -2 page paper on emotional intelligence...a really hard topic for me.  I can talk to D about it, but she doesn't completely "get it".  In therapy I would be able to talk about it and the feed back would help me clarify my thoughts and get them on paper.  I can't formulate the words to explain how difficult this is for me to do without someone to hear my thoughts. I would also like to talk about my oldest brother/cousin.  On the first day of the second week of pediatrics clinical my sister/cousin called at 7 am to let me know that my brother had died during the night.  It was sudden and unexpected.  The profound sense of loss that I had before reconnecting with him is back and with me all the time.  I ache at the unfairness of having him taken from me after having already lost 37 years of knowing him. Some days I struggle to maintain my composure, which is really new for me.  In the past I would hurt and keep it inside...prior to that I wouldn't hurt, the hurt would start and then be gone, or I would be gone...Either way, no one would have any idea that there was anything going on for me. I understand that having feelings is normal and in some way good, but I don't like it!

Sera